pop culture

Lessons Learned from The Kardashian App

Last week, I had an out-of-body experience. It had to be an out-of-body experience, because in-body, I would have never done it. On Friday, I downloaded the Kim Kardashian Hollywood game.

I suppose it was bound to happen. I’ve only been unemployed for a week, but I’ve hit the crazy threshold early. Talking to myself and my cats? Check. Not showering for days on end? Check. Laying on the floor and staring at the ceiling for great lengths of time? Check. Excitedly yelling “GET OUT OF MY FACE, WILLOW, YOU CONNIVING COW–YOU’RE NOT EVEN FAMOUS” in my living room at 2 AM? Check.

I’m not proud of the fact that I downloaded it. I’m even less proud of the fact that I still haven’t deleted it. That I will ignore it for an hour, waiting for my energy to charge, think about hitting the little X next to the app bubble, and then open the app and check my feed. It has pulled me in. I am at the mercy of Kim Kardashian.

This whole process has taught me a few things about myself. Maybe they aren’t great revelations, but I am trying to find meaning in the chaos of being a D-List celebrity, so GIVE ME SOME CREDIT.

1) I will go out of my way to get free things.

One of the worst parts of the game are these stupid silver stars with K’s on them. If I wanted to cheat I could fork over $100 (in real money) to get 1,250 of them. You use anywhere from 5 to 15 (60 if you want to buy the beach house in Miami) of these bad boys at a time, so if I were rich it would still be a terrible investment. Fortunately for the money conscious there are a few ways to earn stars without handing over your paycheck. You watch ads. Since downloading the app I have watched close to 50 ads to get free stars. (I HAVE to charm Dirk Diamonds so they he’ll want to go on another date with me!) I know more about men’s health than I’ve ever known in the past, but I’ve got STARS–I’VE GOT STARS AND I’M ON MY WAY TO A-LIST!

2) When provoked, I will turn catty.

It’s the Kardashian app, so I didn’t expect to get far by being squeaky clean. When a blonde socialite insulted my outfit and called me a “nobody” (EXCUSE ME, I’M FRIENDS WITH KIM KARDASHIAN), I had two options–charm or combat. I chose combat. I have since gotten my publicist in on the deal, and we’ve released rumors that this socialite is addicted to plastic surgery. (Cue maniacal laugh.)  Take that, Willow!

3) I treat fake money the same way I treat real money.

You want me to pay $200 for a hoodie? For a pink hoodie that I could get a Target for $20? Please. Fashion’s not THAT important. But I WILL spend $200 on a nice new dress. Divide by wear. How many photo shoots can I go to in this before some photographer notices?

New shoes for $500? Ha. Ha. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

4) If I’m not playing, it’s only because I can’t.

What do mean I’m tired? I don’t feel tired. I could do another three hour photo shoot. Come on! I want more energy! I want to play!! I want to go on dates and get to C-list and apologize to Michelle Murphy because I was a terrible girlfriend. But I’ve watched thirty ads for a Viking raid game, and I can charm the pants off you! I want to do things! Can I watch another ad? Will that give me more energy???

5) If I’m not careful, in-game achievements can feel like real life achievements.

What do mean I don’t have a job? I just did three photo shoots and a meet and greet at Kardash! I have been working my butt off all day–where is my paycheck?

I’m single? Please, I’ve been dating Dirk for like three days now (which is like three years in Hollywood time), I am SO NOT single.

I bought an apartment last week! I am SO TOTALLY SUCCESSFUL.

Unemployment and Kim Kardashian’s Hollywood do not go hand-in-hand. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to delete it.